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13 March 2009 @ 04:07 am
I don't know why I'm up. Today was terrible and got worse and worse and then better. Robert and I both fell asleep before 9 and I remember waking up at like 11:15 and thinking I'd wake up in an hour and get him to take me home, but no. I woke up at 2:50. So now I'm awake and very hungry because all I've had to eat today is a few chips with spinach dip.

I haven't been keeping up with LJ because shit keeps happening and I'm too tired or I don't care. Right now it's both of those. Goodnight.
09 March 2009 @ 12:11 pm
I had a dream last night that me and Carol and our boyfriends (though not our current ones) stayed in a shitty but somehow romantic hotel. It was like the ones in the movies that are just terrible but have some magical dangerous quality to them. I don't know. Anyway, there were like three cats just randomly there and they were friendly and sweet and Carol said one of them looked like Smokey (which is exactly what my aunt said last night about one of our cats). Then I was examining the shower, which was an entire room,a big one, with one open space in the corner which led into this store(??). So for some reason I thought shower sex was a great idea and it was absolutely the best part of any dream ever, but then some lady walked in through the pretend door and said only one person was allowed in at a time. And then my dream ended. It was the kind that leaves you feeling weird but good all day.

My aunt and uncle and their friends got here last night. Everyone got drunk and kept me up until after midnight because they were continuing their drunken conversations in the room that I was supposed to sleep in. I had been cleaning since 8 in the morning. UGH. Then they woke me up at 8:30 this morning when I don't have class until 1:30 and usually sleep in until 11. I'm staying here again tonight but tomorrow night I'm going to see if I can stay out. I plan on skipping classes Wednesday anyway, so it would work fabulously.
Current Music: Does It Offend You, Yeah? - With a Heavy Heart (I Regret to Inform You)
07 March 2009 @ 10:50 pm
It took Nikki a week to tell my mom about me getting pulled over. She didn't really care.

I didn't smoke with Luther, but I really wanted to and now I'm too broke.

I had an interview at Leopold's yesterday and I think it went well. I hope it did. They said they'd call me.

I've been cleaning like a madwoman. I've got my room, the bathroom, and the kitchen done and I've also managed to maintain a social life. The other four adults in the house have yet to complete one room. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY BEEN DOING?!
My aunt and uncle get here tomorrow and I really don't even care except that I lose my bed.

I'm tired of life lately. I just want my boy and my bed and ample time to do as I please. That sounds like I just want to have a lot of sex (which is cool too), but I mean that I want to relax and have time to do things that I keep meaning to do, but don't seem to have time for.

I think next week I'll be spending a lot of time at the library at school. I really have to catch up with school and there's no way I'll be able to do that with four extra people in my already-too-crowded house.

After they leave, I am on Spring Break!!! FINALLY. I am so ready for a break. The whole semester we get one day off besides Spring Break, and that day was in the second week. Then all I have to do is finish out March and make it through April and I'M FREEEEE.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: T-Pain feat. Ludacris - Chopped N Skrewed
26 February 2009 @ 09:30 pm
I was thinking about being a pharmacist again. I found this drug chart a few weeks ago and it's SO INTERESTING, I'm still looking at it. I'm good at math and science. I like chemistry and they make damn good money and drugs are fascinating. But pharmacists are regularly drug tested and I don't see myself stopping pot unless it just stops being fun. Buuut... if it becomes legal. The idea's back in.

My mom thinks I'm the responsible, never-gonna-fall-too-fast one out of my sister and me. I mean, I am. But she doesn't realize that I'll be moving in with my boyfriend in a matter of a few months. I really hate that I don't tell my family anything sometimes. It makes it that much harder to tell them when I actually have to. I mentioned to my mom once that Becky and I were looking into getting an apartment when she comes home, but I don't think my mom took me seriously. She keeps talking to me about how she's going to move out and we might just have to deal with a three bedroom house and Brandi and Nikki will have to share a room and I just think, "Oh, that'll work. Becky and I can sleep on the couch for a week or two before we move out and then Brandi won't even have to worry about sharing a room."

Nikki is going to be an ace liar when she grows up. I got pulled over today when she was in the car with me and I got off with a warning, but I told her not to mention it to mom and so far she hasn't. She keeps secrets for my mom from my grandma too. And tells lies all the time that are almost believable, but she's almost constantly under supervision and I guess forgets that whoever she's lying to can just ask the person that was watching her. That little girl is going to be trouble as a teenager.

I realized a week or so ago that I just don't get the same high smoking with the kids on the islands. I don't know if it's the weed or the company or my mood or maybe my tolerance, but it's not as fun. It's almost annoying. I actually haven't smoked in the last few days because it just isn't worth it to me. So I decided to go back to Luther for some, which is obviously a complication because current boyfriend/dealer won't like that I'm seeing ex-boyfriend/dealer. But I talked to Luther about it and he told me he could get me some really dank stuff, which defeats the purpose of getting it from him, but I'm going to do it anyway. I've never smoked anything really amazing and I would like to hang out with him.

I feel like I have far less time these days. I don't really know why. I have the same amount of time and I think I go out about as much as I did at the end of last semester, but somehow I don't have enough time to study now, but I did then. I think maybe I'm just managing my time badly.

I want to have a few days alone to meditate and read and just catch up with all the things I want to do that require solitude, but I get lonely so quickly. I'm used to seeing people other than my family almost daily. Today is the first day in a week that I haven't been with anyone and I feel so terrible about it. I wouldn't even mind if someone was here and sleeping, as long as I had company and it was someone I liked.

Actually, Carol stayed the night and I got to hang out with Belen this afternoon, so it's only been like five hours. I hate me.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Gym Class Heroes feat. Lil Wayne and Dr. Dre - Don't Tell Me It's Over
23 February 2009 @ 08:32 pm
Good weekend.

Thursday night, Belen came over and we played dress up and took pictures. Watched The Black Dahlia until we fell asleep.

We got up Friday morning and headed for the islands to have lunch with our boys. We had to go to Robert's so I could wake him up because he sleeps like a rock. So we chilled at his house for a bit and came to the conclusion that Brad wasn't meeting us for lunch and went with Robert to his drug test. Then lunch at Applebee's. Back to Robert's to hang out until he had to go to work. Then Belen and I went to Stephany's where we smoked the rest of that tasty tobacco and went to get cake and waited for Brad to get off work. We watched Full Metal Jacket which was okay, but I was not in the mood for something so serious. Then Belen had to leave and Robert was off work, so I tried calling him to see if he wanted to hang out or if I was going home. Somehow it ended up with him coming over to Stephany's with Anthony and two random other guys. It was really awkward because Stephany and I don't hang out without Belen, ever, and suddenly we're not only without Belen, but my boyfriend and some goons that neither of us know are accompanying us. We smoked then I left with Robert and the others and we dropped the two weirdies off and me, him, and Anthony hung out until I had to go home.

Saturday, I cleaned and Carol came over and watched me climb all over the bathroom to wash the ceiling and walls. After I finished we went to the islands with a vague plan to hang out with Robert and Anthony and a possibility of picking up Justin Wiggins. We ended up at Robert's with him and Anthony, then all four of us went to the ghetto (the forreal ghetto) to their dealer. It was the funniest shit. Oh. Carol and I were a little drunk. That may be why. But the first time I met Toni, I was too scared he'd pull a gun or rape me to appreciate him. Some guy was begging for change when we stopped somewhere and Toni got out of the car and yelled at him, telling him to back off his friends. He really runs that neighborhood. Which is both scary and impressive. But he was talking to the boys while Carol and I were in the car and was saying they needed to hook him up with a pretty girl or something and it got onto Carol somehow. So Toni got her number (she accidentally gave him her mom's number at first!) and it was all weird. He's 26 and a big time dealer. Like hard drugs too. I wouldn't want her involved in that. Dating a pot dealer is just bad enough in my book. I think after that we went back to Robert's for a while. Carol stayed at my house.

The next morning Nikki came in and told us it was time to get up at 10:30. Haha. We got up and I spent part of the day cleaning my room and we managed to get out of my house before dark. Went to Carol's so she could change and then to Anthony's apartment for a little bit. Dinner at Jalapenos. Anthony paid for her. It was cuuute. To Robert's. There was Halo and complaining. Kroger (where someone stole some stuff). Carol got drunk. I took on designated driver so she could drink and saved mine for another day. Smoked in a park. It was coooold. To Anthony's. Carol kissed him! Aw. I drove us home and she stayed with me again.

Today was just bad. After Carol left, I got ready for school and it just kind of sucked. Then this kid in my art class had to go and be a total dick to the teacher, who was already having an off day. So we all had to write down whether or not the teacher actually helped us, which he did. And we just proved the kid wrong. Then I lost my phone in my last class, but a janitor found it and called a little bit ago. After I got home, I kept hitting myself on stuff and had to cook dinner and Carol and Robert wanted me to come out, but I need to study a little tonight and I have early classes tomorrow.

Since talking to Robert about moving in together, he's decided that he's going to have a dog (which he is most definitely not, at least not for a whiiiile) and we've talked about including Anthony and getting a three bedroom because it would be even cheaper for each of us and he wants to move too. This led to the idea of Becky and Anthony getting together, which could work, but I think Becky needs to be swept off her feet and we don't know how the current Anthony-Carol thing is going to work out because she isn't so keen on him, but she's trying. In all honesty, I don't like the idea of Anthony with anyone I can think of. He just seems like a solitary person most of the time. I don't think he's going to be able to give Carol the attention she'll want and I think she'll wear him out because he's waaay more chill (what's a better way to say that?) than she is.
Oh, but Becky and I have come up with rules to make us feel better about living with dealer(s) but we haven't presented them yet. Becky, Robert, and I are all hopefully going to talk soon. Having Robert added to the mix also messes up where we're going to live because he has to stay near the islands, but me and Becky have school on the other side of town.

I'm tired of thinking. This entry is way too long. I have to study. Goodnight.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Say Anything - Chia-like, I Shall Grow
17 February 2009 @ 10:28 pm
I passed one test last week. I failed the one I thought I'd fail. Damn.

Valentine's Day was great. Robert loooves his bowl and he got me one of those already made baskets with a bear and candy and a fake rose. Completely unoriginal, but I don't care too much. I sleep with the bear. We went to dinner at Jalapenos because everywhere else would have had an hour wait, at least. We went back to his house and tried to watch this dumb scifi movie about a hell-dragon, but did not really pay attention.
I decided that I do love him. Not in a forever way, like I want to, but I can't think of being with anyone else right now.
I finally talked to him about moving in together too. He's all for it, of course. I'm questioning a lot of things about it. Just details, but I want to try it. It's not going to happen until the middle of summer anyway.

Sunday sucked. I cleaned and got yelled at and spent five hours or so in my room before going out with Carol, Emily, and Julian and getting cheesecake then came home and sat in my room some more and went to sleep. Boyfriend calls at 2:30 am and we stayed on the phone until 5:30 because he was going to stay up all night and come over in the morning to see me.

He fell asleep as soon as we were off the phone, I'm sure. I woke up late, rushed to get ready for school, went, was bored, came home. Went out with Robert. Chilled with Anthony, ate dinner, had sex, fell asleep. I didn't get home until 2:30, but no one noticed.

Today, I slept through my first class because I didn't read the essay I was supposed to have read going. So I went to my other class, picked Nikki up and headed downtown. We went to Leopold's to meet Belen and I applied for a job there. Nikki wanted to go to the park, but by the time I got done with the EIGHT PAGE application, it was too cold and was starting to get dark, so we had to come home. I napped while she watched cartoons in my lap. It was nice.

I was planning on cleaning my room a little and then studying tonight, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Instead, I will be putting a new mattress pad on my bed and reading a little bit before spending an hour on the phone and going to sleep.

I have an Honors meeting tomorrow. The only thing I really like about those is the free pizza.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Ferraby Lionheart - The Ballad of Gus and Sam
14 February 2009 @ 10:03 am
This week has been ridiculous. It's a combination of all kinds of weird things.

I went tanning with Carol on Wednesday. I think I failed a test on Thursday.
Yesterday I went out with Belen and we had a shopping day. We went to the mall, then the Comedy Store, then to Thunderbolt to see about some pills (I wanted to try adderall socially and Belen and Stephany and Brad wanted to do it too),  went to Target, Big Lots, and Planet 3 then back to actually get the pills, to Walmart on a mission, then Stephany's. We were in the car like half the day.
I got Robert a bowl from Planet 3. It's a pretty blue and glows in blacklight and even in normal light, if you shake it the blue turns pearlescent and it's neeeat. I got a book to use for the stash box, but I'd rather not rush making it at the last minute, so I'm not going to worry about it until his birthday. And I couldn't afford cologne and I don't know if he'd wear it or like it anyway. So there's a bowl and some (read: lots of) chocolate and I'm thinking of copying down my favorite poem with calligraphy pens and sticking it in there. I know I'd like it if someone did that for me, but I don't know if he'd appreciate it or just think it was weird.

Oh. I finally met Taylor last night. She's a lot more bearable than Allison. I actually like her. And she's cute.
Oh, but last night was like a party. It was just niice. At first it was me, Belen, Stephany, Brad, Robert, Anthony, and Taylor. Then Katie showed up, then these two guys (whose names I still don't know) came. Belen bought some berry flavored tobacco at Planet 3 so we started off the night by taking the adderall and smoking the tobacco straight in Stephany's hookah. It was soooo tasty. The smell is still stuck to my clothes. Yummm. Then after a while, we mixed pot into it and it was the greatest. It hit smooth but you got so much smoke, one hit was enough to feel a high. Of course no one did that. It got passed around for an hour or so. Katie and Taylor left before we were done and then all the boys but Brad left to get food. Just me, Belen, Brad, and Stephany were left so after a few minutes we decided we were hungry too and Brad went to his house (dunno??) and we went to Hardee's. It was DAMN GOOD. Then we went back to Stephany's and the three of us just layed on her floor and talked and took something like a thousand pictures with the blacklight. Brad came back and we continued talking our jaws off.
I was supposed to stay the night out, either with Robert or at Stephany's but my mom bitched when I mentioned it, so I had to come home at 1 and Robert for some reason wouldn't come back to hang out for an hour. It was alright though. I kind of liked just hanging out with my friends without him for a while.
I got home and talked to Luther for maybe an hour, which was nice. And then just played around with the internet for another hour before laying down on the phone with Robert and trying to go to sleep. I was finally able to sometime after 4.

And I somehow woke up at 8:30 and have to wait for Robert to wake up. His alarm won't even go off until 11:30. Sigh.
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: The Cardigans - Lovefool
11 February 2009 @ 08:44 pm
I forgot to mention something. I don't know how.
Robert said he loved me the other day. Actually, it was like Thursday. It was just playing around, I thought, but I was still shocked he said it. Until he said it again. And I finally said it back to him Monday. I'm fairly sure I don't really mean it, though. Right now I just have that kind of superficial, giddy crush thing, not real love.
I like that he says it and that I can say it if I want, but I don't like that it doesn't mean the same to me. It's too soon. I know I'll really mean it eventually, but right now it feels a little like a lie.
I don't know. I'll live.

I didn't get my application in today. And I still have to study. I'm so so so tired.
I'd really just like cuddles and lots of sleep.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: The Temptations - Build Me Up Buttercup
11 February 2009 @ 09:40 am
The comedown was terrible. I ran out of things to do and people to talk to so all I could do was stumble and worry about money and whether or not I'd get enough sleep to actually go to class. I didn't get to sleep until 8 this morning, slept for thirty minutes, called Robert to see if he was coming over. Phone's off, yay, he's not coming. Back to sleep until 9 and I woke up and CAN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I cannot sit through three hours of art and a history test on an hour of sleep. The whole reason I took the pills was to study for my history test, so I might skip art and just go take my test.

I got a call yesterday from someone about the fence I hit. They'll call me Friday to tell me how much I owe them. I have $100. That's it. I have to get Valentine's stuff with it and pay them back and have enough for whatever gas I'll have to put in my car until next Friday. I need to sell my school books from last semester and I can get a good bit of money from them, but I don't know how quickly. How much do you think a fence repair costs? I'm pretty sure I didn't damage it too badly. I just hope they didn't take advantage of the situation and have the whole fence redone and expect me to pay for it.
My grandma offered to pay $50 towards my haircut and dye, but I won't even be able to afford that now. At least not until I have some kind of income.

I filled out my Subway application except for the phone number of one reference, which I have to get from my grandma. I'm taking it in today. I really don't want to work at Subway, but Sarah Davis works there and gave me a reference and her boss acted like she'd hire me on the spot if I just filled out the paper. I wouldn't even think of working there if Sarah didn't.

I don't feel like being alone today. I really didn't like being alone last night.

So I think today will be shower, Subway, Thunderbolt/Wilmington, history test, home to sleep and maybe study for a test I have tomorrow.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Cuban Cigar Crisis - Love Between the Sheets
10 February 2009 @ 11:02 pm
 I just spent three hours cleaning my mom's room because she asked me to help her for like thirty minutes. I'm about to study. I'm so fucking pumped up. I don't think I'll be sleeping for QUITE a while. I'm working on my fourth bottle of water since six-ish and I gagged because I ate an almond.
Can you guess what I took?
I love adderall.

I love my Carol, who does nothing but smoke with children.
I love my Belen, who is busier than I am and who I don't get to see much anymore.
I love my Becky, who needs to get her ass home so we can pick up the party where we left off last summer.
I love my Robert, who is a little too immature for me, but makes up for it with sweetness (and sex).
And everyone else who (whom?) I sadly do not see or talk to often enough.
Current Mood: energeticenergetic
Current Music: Crime Mob feat. Lil Scrappy - Rock Yo Hips
07 February 2009 @ 02:16 pm
Everything is almost okay. It'd be better if I weren't sick, but whatever.

The hit and run thing was because I hit a fence and some douche bag reported it. The cop said he'd call me if and when he gets in touch with the people and I can figure it out with them privately from there, but that was Wednesday morning and I haven't heard from him yet.

I got to see Robert last night and the night before. Somehow I managed to stay out until 5:30 Thursday night/Friday morning and was able to sneak back in without anyone noticing that I was more than four hours late. I stayed with him last night. I miss that so much, but it made this morning unpleasant because I had to keep waking him up to figure out how I was getting home and getting away with spending the night out. It eventually worked, but I've been up pretty much since 7:30 this morning.

I got to hang out with Carol and Emily and Hannah last night too, which was pretty cool. I miss just chilling with my friends. Between school and my fucking dumb curfew, I don't have time for people anymore.

After that, Robert, Anthony, and I got Allison and took her to a party at Katie's. Stayed for a few minutes and left again to go to the middle of the fucking ghetto for drugs. Don't ever take your girlfriend on a potentially dangerous drug deal. Then back to the party where everyone was shitfaced. Allison kept grabbing Robert and whispering to him which pissed me the fuck off, but my night was made when I was left inside alone and Johnnie came in to hug me secretly so that Robert wouldn't get mad at him.
Robert wants me and Allison to be friends, but honestly she's the kind of person that I just DREAD seeing. Not just because she's his ex. She's energetic like woah and seems like she's more than a little on the spoiled side. She seems like she embodies all the things I usually hate about girls. She'd probably only be fun when I'm drunk.

Robert left a big bag in my purse and my room smells soooo strongly of herb.
03 February 2009 @ 11:05 pm
I wish I was a disappointment so no one would expect me to be good.
03 February 2009 @ 07:54 pm
I'm freaking out.

There was a message on the machine when I got home from a detective about a hit and run involving my car and yeah, I might have hit one in that fucking tiny parking garage, but if I did, I didn't do any damage. The car is still registered to my grandma and I don't pay the insurance yet, so I'm really worried that she's going to find out and she probably will. I tried calling the guy but he apparently left his office before 3.

In addition to that, I haven't started my period yet and I'm not quite freaking on that one yet, but it is worrying me. My hormones are going fucking crazy and making me feel like I can't handle anything. I really can't. I haven't done anything today since I got home. I haven't even been able to watch a whole show or read an entire article. I have to stop and rationalize everything every ten or twenty minutes or I'm afraid I might go nuts.

I miss my boy and my friends and my acne is blowing up again and all I ever want to do is smoke and drink and fuck and sleep and if I can't do those things, I eat terrible things, so I'm gaining weight and everything is upsetting me today. Fuck.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: Metric - Combat Baby
02 February 2009 @ 06:28 pm
Friday was terrible. I went looking for a job and only found one place hiring. Then I got to spend all of 45 minutes with Robert, which upset me more than anything because the last time we'd spent time together was Sunday. Came home and pigged out because I had no way to get to the show I was supposed to be seeing downtown. Belen called later to tell me that she was watching Robert and some guy buy a bottle. I cried as soon as I got off the phone with her. I hate when EVERYONE is doing something and I can't, especially when there's just a fucking dumb reason for it and it was added to an already terrible day. I went to sleep before midnight, which never happens for me.

Saturday I was stuck doing house/yard work until dusk, but then Robert came and got me and we chilled at Anthony's and smoked. They reaaaaally wanted me to go upstairs and flirt with Anthony's nerdy (repeat until you stop breathing) little brother so he'd cream his pants, which I wouldn't do.
Then Sunday I went to hang out with Carol and Emily and Hannah. Julian and some girl named Lauren were there too. I hate that Lauren bitch. She just looks like ass and acts like she thinks she's hot shit. And is also stupid. She thought "Whistle While You Work" was the radio edit of "Whistle While You Twerk." I mean, REALLY? It was generally one of the better times though, since Emily and Julian weren't at each other's throats for once. Robert picked me up after the Superbowl was over and we went back to his house, watched House and then had two hours of sex/cuddling. I was an hour and a half late getting home, but somehow no one in my family even called me the entire night or noticed that I was late. I still haven't even talked to anyone but Nikki since like six yesterday. Which is a really weird thing for my family.

I had a dream the other day that I had a ten foot tall REALLY FUCKING CUTE puppy. And a huge house decorated with candy canes. Might have something to do with the excess amounts of leftover candy canes in my house.

I can't concentrate on school. I don't really know why and I really don't like it. I'll have to just force myself to do the work one day because I have exams coming up and I haven't even touched my books yet. Mostly because I don't have half of them because I waited too long to get them and had to order them off the internet.

I'm eating really badly lately too. And I'm feeling it. Fucking hormones.
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Junkie XL - Cities in Dust
29 January 2009 @ 12:44 am
I keep having dreams now that I'm yelling at my grandma and I'm cussing at her, which I would normally never do to any adult. I even know it's wrong in my dream, but she doesn't react, so I keep doing it.

I'm so tired of seeing my boyfriend only two or three times a week and not even getting to spend time with him when I do because of her. If she'd let me stay the night out or drive somewhere other than school, it would be better. I don't really know how to argue it though because I always figured a way around her rules before or they just went away after a few days. It's fucking stupid that I'm letting her tell me that I can't stay the night with a friend. The driving thing I can understand because it's her car and she thinks she's keeping me safe because she doesn't believe I can drive well enough to do whatever yet.

I had such a good day today. Belen stayed the night last night and we watched the Pagemaster and talked ourselves to sleep and then went to Walmart this morning and I got the cutest top for cheap. Then she dropped me off at home and I took Nikki and Brandi to Panera for lunch, dropped them off back at home and "went to class." What I really did was went to Thunderbolt to pick up Carol, Emily, and Hannah and the four of us went downtown, where we smoked and I yelled at Shareen from the top of a parking garage because I miraculously identified her by the top of her head seven stories down. I also got a cuute vintage brown leather jacket for $35 and found a perfume I'm actually considering paying $80 for. After downtown, I dropped Carol, Emily, and Hannah off to meet people at Hardee's and went to Walmart to chill until Robert got off work. I got a purse that matches my new shirt and a water bottle because I needed one. Went to his house, but he had to help his dad with something so I went with him. Some guy was just chillin in his car. He went with us and introduced himself on the way and invited me to a party he's having this weekend. His name was Grant. I'm pretty sure I've heard bad things about him, but I can't remember what. The two of us just chilled in the car for fifteen minutes and he told me about smoking dank weed with his crazy Asian grandma and how he used to own a piercing shop. Unfortunately, I had to get home after that and got to spend all of five minutes with Robert. We were supposed to hang out again later today but I remembered that I had a bunch of homework to do tonight and I have my earlier classes tomorrow.

I need sleep.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Shiny Toy Guns - Rocketship
26 January 2009 @ 08:02 pm
I got a $15 fee because I parked at school without a parking permit. Stupid.

Yesterday went from hopeful to terrible to amazing. I'm just glad the terrible part was the smallest part.

I realized that I'm actually going to have to work to get over Luther. I don't know why I can't just fall out of it or convince myself that there's something bad about him that I couldn't live with. But I realized that Robert has backed off almost completely when it comes to talking about the future or feelings because I never really acknowledged it. I don't know how to deal with people when I don't feel the same way. I know by this point I should have some kind of feelings for him and I do, but they're so muted. I don't like knowing that I'm so attached to someone else that I'd cheat on him, especially when the feeling is probably not reciprocated. I really want to see Luther soon, maybe that'll clear it up in my head. Maybe not, and it'll just make everything worse. But I don't know.

I think I figured out what I want to do for Robert for Valentine's day. I'm going to make him a stash box out of a book and put a bunch of stuff in it. I was thinking some cologne and maybe a bowl and some random little things from Joker's or something. Good idea, y/n?

I like being back in school. I feel less like my brain is melting. I mean I still hate having to work with a schedule, but I feel so much less stupid.

I need to make a hair appointment for Friday, find a job (Leopold's isn't hiring :[), find a book to use for the stash box, sell my books from last semester, make curtains for my closet, and put up the rope lights I got for Christmas. On top of the homework I haven't been doing.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Feist - Inside and Out
25 January 2009 @ 12:57 pm
The last couple of weeks I've been having this dream that I'm driving and I need to stop, but no matter how hard I try I can't push the brake pedal down hard enough.
Also been dreaming about every boy I've ever even thought of liking. It started with Luther, then a dream about Greyson and little Evan, then one about Sam (EW) and then last night I dreamed I cheated on Robert with Eve, but she was prettier and less weird than the real Eve and it wasn't a one-time thing. I had some funny only sort-of lezzie relationship with her. They keep getting weirder. I wonder what's next?

One month, today. :D

I'm so excited that I get to drive myself to school tomorrow. I bought a cassette adapter yesterday and spent hours making a new ipod playlist last night so I can listen to my own music.
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Daedelus and Busdriver - Quiet Now
23 January 2009 @ 11:01 am
Driving test in 45 minutes. Can't waaait. If I don't pass it, I think I'll have to devise a way to run over myself with the car.
21 January 2009 @ 11:30 am
My boyfriend is not in jail! Now I have to figure out something cute to do for Valentine's Day. Sunday is one month for us, but I don't know if it's just going to be time passing or if he's going to make a thing out of it.

Plans are in the works for a trip to Miami over Spring Break.

I'm going to apply for a job at Leopold's.
Current Mood: geekygeeky
Current Music: Lil Wayne - Mr. Carter
20 January 2009 @ 12:56 am
I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I don't know how I'll be able to pay attention. If I don't go though, I'll have nothing to distract me.
"If something happens, wait for me okay?" I told him I would. I'm not sure if I meant it.
I don't know what the big deal is. I didn't think I cared about him that much.
18 January 2009 @ 11:56 pm
I hate that he's so close to his last two girlfriends, especially since I haven't met them yet. I know the main reason I don't trust him is because I know I can't trust myself around other guys and definitely not exes. Almost everyone I've met that knows him swears that he's great to his girlfriends and would never cheat, but I still don't fully believe it.

I've been having a lot of dreams about other guys, even making them up lately. I saw Luther at school last week working in the computer lab. He didn't notice me, thankfully, but I didn't realize what I was doing until I was about a foot from him; I was about to kiss him. I don't know what came over me.

I hate that I have almost no friends, AGAIN. I don't have the energy to make new friends anymore. I just want to be done with all the "necessary" bullshit so I can live how I want to.

Getting out of the house is about my only enjoyable time, but I don't get to stay the night out anymore because my grandma thinks I'm out having sex. And I am, but so what? It's none of her fucking business and I do it even with a curfew.

I didn't get my license Saturday because I was told I didn't have to have an appointment. I was not told that I'd have to be there at 7:30 a.m. to avoid making an appointment. What's worse is that there were only five or six people there and you know not all of them were taking road tests.

I told my mom about mine and Becky's plan to get an apartment and she was pretty neutral. She just said something about being able to handle a job and school, which is what I want to be doing now. We're looking at budgeting things and making estimates and I'm looking at apartments.

I want to be blazed out of my mind right now and I hate it.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Lil Wayne - I Feel Like Dying
15 January 2009 @ 10:53 pm
I want to be wild, but I have too much restraint. I'm constantly worried that I'll never feel fulfilled. I don't, and I don't want to be seventy years old looking back at my life and wondering why I never ventured out and did anything. A lot of what I want to do is illegal, dangerous, immoral in most eyes, but I'm not sure that I really care.
I want to hitch-hike my way across the country, hop on a boat and go across the sea, travel through Asia, Africa, and Europe, then maybe sail back home to settle down.
I want to experiment with drugs. I don't really know why. It seems like maybe there's something I'm missing, because I'm not sure I enjoy pot very much. I generally feel better sober than stoned. I'm probably one of those people who will only be satisfied with highly addictive uppers. I don't want to try those.
I want to immerse myself in a strange culture. I want to feel lost, so that when I find myself again I can feel accomplished. I want to learn.

Episode over.
Current Music: Feist - Snow Lion
15 January 2009 @ 08:52 am
School is good, but I'm already tired of it again.

Should be getting my license Saturday.

Becky and I have been talking about getting an apartment together when she comes home. She pitched the idea to her mom and for once she approved of something! I've still got to talk to my mom about it, but I'm sure she won't have any problem with it and if she does, it's not like it matters.

I'm excited, but I don't know what for.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Kings of Leon - Charmer
11 January 2009 @ 10:18 pm
My icon just randomly turned into a couple of sheep.

School tomorrow. I'm kind of excited.

Robert's on probation and has to have two clear drug tests before the 20th when he goes to court, but I don't see how it's going to happen. I told him if he went to jail it was over for us, but I really don't want it to be. I mean there's a bunch of things I don't like about him, but I don't want him gone. I honestly don't see myself staying with him for too long, maybe a few months, but I would rather it end because it needed to instead of because he couldn't stop smoking pot for a couple of weeks.

I need to get my license and a job. My mom's going to try to get off work Tuesday to take me for my license, but if she can't I'll have to wait until the weekend.
I'll have around $1500 from last semester once my mom pays her shit back after tax returns and I've got some money from Christmas and expect another $1700 after my stuff from this semester is paid. If I can keep it in savings and just keep adding to it every pay check, I could definitely afford to move out come summer. Staying here isn't even an option anymore.

I've been reading Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass for way too long now. I'm hoping to finish it tonight and move on to one of the five new books I've got tomorrow.
Current Music: The Format - Give It Up
10 January 2009 @ 05:19 pm
I fucking want out now.